Logs for Andromeda
by hachi hashi
Summary: When Rikka makes the decision to join the Andromeda Initiative she asks her closest friend to record a few logs for her to listen to in the near distant future. Her friend is less than supportive of her decision but decides to oblige, cataloging her attempts to change Rikka's mind. These are a collection of those logs. Companion piece to Nexus Fading on AO3 but can be read alone.
1. Log 1

[Log 1]

[2183]

So, if you're listening to this, that means I'm already dead. All joking aside, you asking me to record audio logs for you to listen to in the future after I'm long dead is kind of morbid, not that I don't understand the logic behind it.

To tell you the truth, I don't really know how to process this whole thing. At the moment I'm recording this we'd just gone out to lunch at the Indian place near my apartment and you dropped this whole thing on me.

I don't know how you were expecting me to react to your news that you were choosing space over the people who care about you, but you can't really expect me to be happy about it. I don't understand. I really don't.

You only told me about what you were doing after you committed to the Initiative and it was too late to back out. I think it's because you know I'd be able to talk you out of it, to make you see that this might not be as great idea as you think it is.

You're my best friend and I don't know if you realize what that means to me. We met when we were junior high and now as adults, I can't imagine living a life without you in it. I know that you won't really be dead, but to me this is like you're either committing suicide or choosing to let everyone die while you isolate yourself in the future where we can never get to.

I'm really never going to see you again, am I? One day hundreds of years in the future you'll be listening to this. I'll be long gone, who knows if anyone on earth will know my name at that point. I doubt it.

Look, I'm doing this because you asked me to but that doesn't mean I'm going to give up on trying to change your mind. I really hope that right now I'm just talking to myself and this never sees the light of day.

[END OF LOG]


	2. Log 2

[Log 2]

So, we talked again after I got out of work on Friday and I brought up my points from the first log. I think it's fair to say you weren't happy that I wasn't excited as you. You're all about the adventure and the research, but I just can't get past the fact that you seem to think that it's worth more than the people in your life.

What about your mom? You siblings? Your niece and nephew? Didn't you have dreams to watch them grow up? Be a part of their lives? They're going to grow up and never have any idea who you are, or I guess to all of us after this, _were_.

We had dreams to travel together, to write books, to have our own adventures across the Milky Way. We talked about that for so long, ever since we were kids and now I'm starting to realize that those things meant more to me than they ever did for you.

I'm starting to get what this all means, but I don't think you do! This isn't some trip you can come back from! All of those things we wanted to do, all of those things in life you were looking forward to are going to be gone! You'll never see it because we'll all be dead!

We'll be spending the rest of our days with a hole in our lives, always wondering what it would have been like if you hadn't decided to leave.

I haven't given on trying to convince you to stay. I'm going to keep trying for as much time as I have left. It's not like they can force you into cryo.

Look. You're a stubborn person. But so am I. I won't give up on this.

[End of log]


	3. Log 3

[Log 3]

I finally figured out what you haven't been saying every time your trip comes up in conversation. I've been so angry that I haven't been looking deeper than what you've been telling me yourself.

Some friend I am, huh? If it took me this long to pick up on what I think you've been trying to tell yourself isn't the main reason you want to go.

You keep saying that it's all for the science and the adventure, but I started to realize what you weren't saying was what was most important here. You're not running towards anything, you're running away from your health in one of the most drastic ways possible.

Just because you're going to the future doesn't mean they'll somehow acquire new ways of healing you in cryo. And I think we both know that. You've given up on them finding a way here and to me it seems like you want to go out in one last hoorah, pushing yourself to the limit until you finally give out. Maybe go out doing something you feel like will be meaningful and all that justification crap.

And that scares me more than anything. That you've given up hope that they'll ever be able to help you here. But look at the year; they're finding new medical cures all the time. And I know that in all technicality you're dying, but news flash: your life expectancy with treatment could very well be the same as everyone else, even if they never find a cure. Which I have faith that technology will keep getting better and better. I don't know if you believe in the power of prayer anymore, but I do and I'm always praying for you, if that counts for anything.

I hate to see you in pain and unable to do the things you love, but I'd hate even more to see you pushing yourself to the brink because you feel weak and upset with yourself and with what you can't control.

You're not less of a person or less valuable because of your health. And you're no less strong just because you're not able to stand for a long time or run without pain. It does not make you weak. I know you, and there's nothing you need to prove to anyone. You're one of the strongest people I know.

I know you keep stuff from me about your health because you know I worry and then I nag a bit. Maybe a lot sometimes. I'm sorry about that, but at the same time I feel like a have a good reason considering your track record in the past.

Look, just because you kept from me knowing about some of your emergency room visits until later, didn't mean that they didn't happen.

To be honest being kept out of the loop worries me more because I can't be there for you. Maybe I can't fix anything or make it better, but at least I can be someone to talk to if you need it. I hate not knowing, because it's like you don't trust me enough to tell me about things that matter. And hiding it from me automatically makes me assume the worst. And the fact you haven't brought up your health a single time though all of this scares me even more.

I don't know if its denial or what's going on here. I'm going to bring this up the next time we talk, but in all honest I doubt it's going to go over well. When you get upset or feel attacked you tend to totally shut down. And you have thing about holding grudges for a long, long time. If that happens it'll become even harder to get through to you.

I hate seeing you upset, and it's even worse when I'm the cause of it. But I couldn't call myself a real friend if I didn't tell you what I think is the very real truth of matter. Because if you see someone you care about going in a very wrong direction and you never say anything, it's like being complicit in the whole thing.

I'm going to bed. It's been a long rant and I've got work in the morning. I'll probably see you in person soon.

[End of log]


	4. Log 4

[Log 4]

So, it's about two a.m. right now and I can't sleep, which is nothing new these days. With the days ticking down I'm constantly feeling jittery and on edge. Coffee and I have become good friends, but I think it's just making me feel more anxious in the long run.

That talk the other day went just about as well as I predicted. Which is not exactly what I'd call 'great'. You haven't responded to my messages in a few days so I'm currently a little stressed out about the whole thing.

I'm worried that you're going to go out and do something drastic that you're going to regret later. I love you like a sister, but you tend to make some very dumb choices when you're upset that usually involve injuring yourself. Like walking several miles in the middle of the night in a bad area of town to work off steam, when you could very well collapse somewhere or get abducted along the way. I'd say the abduction thing was an exaggeration, but over the years you've run into some the most insane situations that I wouldn't put it past you.

I been thinking back to our middle school days and about when we first met in sixth grade. I was painfully shy, and you sat by yourself in study hall and never talked to anyone. We sat together in that assembly, the two friendless kids, and from there we became best friends. It's been over ten years since then, and we've been through a lot of crap together.

Middle school? Truly awful. Though I think it is for most people if that's any consolation, though I doubt to the degree we had it. I still think pitching a tv show based of the events of middle school and some of high school could really make for an engaging drama. I vote for an Elcor in one of the major roles.

I was thinking about how before we became friends I didn't joke around as much as I do now. Not that you can really tell I have much of a sense of humor based on these logs. But it's not exactly light material we're discussing here.

But anyway, I don't think I really realized how much I liked humor or why until I became your friend. Those years when you were going through a lot, and you were constantly struggling, I didn't know what to do. There wasn't much I could do, being a kid and basically powerless. The only thing I could think to do was try to cheer you up even just a little bit, even if it didn't last.

So, my solution was trying to make you laugh. You claimed to have no sense of humor, and when jokes hit the most I might get was a smile, but it was worth it to me. I learned to read you well, even if sometimes it felt like I was having a one-sided conversation.

Life may suck sometimes, or a lot of the time, but I don't think surrounding yourself by watching, listening, or reading things that make you feel miserable or stuck in that depressed state will make anything better. Humor might not solve it either but letting yourself laugh a bit can go a long way.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this. There's probably a point in there somewhere, but I think I finally getting tired enough to get four hours of sleep before I have to get up tomorrow.

I just… I can't imagine my life without you in it. We've been through thick and thin together, and if we could get past that, we can figure this out. I'm going to call you tomorrow to try and explain myself. I'll show up at your front door if I have to.

[End of log]


	5. Log 5

[Log 5]

I've never told you this before, but one of the things that I'm scared of the most and think of time to time is the idea that one of these days, sometime soon I'm going to be speaking at your funeral. I'll be up on stage, giving my eulogy, acting as the mourning best friend of the deceased trying to read a something I've written in front of your friends and family and I try to choke down the tears.

It terrifies me to think that something could go wrong with your health and that very soon it could come true.

Why I bring this up is the going away party that's being held a few days from now. Because to me, it might as well be your funeral. It's basically a living funeral where everyone can give the speeches and give their last teary goodbyes. It's morbid is what it is. Some people I've talked to play it off as some send off for some grand adventure, but I don't see it that way.

So, tell me, how is this so different from you actually dying? From my perspective it's not. I know I'm supposed to give some sort of speech, but I don't even know where to start.

I'm angry, okay? Very angry. I've shot past denial and right now all I want to do is sit down and yell at you for making this stupid decision. For making my nightmare come to life. For ruining your own life. For asking me to give you a series of recordings that lead up to one final goodbye like it was no big deal at all.

I-I can't anymore. I don't even know if I'm going to go.

[End of log]


	6. Log 6

[Log 6]

So, I wrote something for you after all. It's full of stories and humor and its sure to be a crowd pleaser. But I kind of hate it. I hate the fact that I actually wrote it. I don't want to go to this stupid party, I really don't. But I'm going for you. I'm going to grin and bear it and smile for all of the photos so that you can have a good last memory with your friends. I'm going to fake my excitement for your sake, because you're my friend and as friends we can have our own screaming match away from listening ears.

I hate this. I hate all of this so much. I hate that things have come to this point. I don't even know what to say anymore. Everything I say gets ignored and no matter what I do nothing changes. Maybe it's me. Maybe if someone else was in this position or if I was a different kind of person, wiser, smarter, then I'd have the right words.

But no. I'm stuck with myself and time and time again it's proving to not be good enough. I'm going to get up in front of all of those people and give my speech, while your mom and the rest of your family watch and see the person who was supposed to be able to stop you. And everyone else who doesn't want to see you go will be wondering the same thing. What kind of friend would let someone they care about go off on a trip like this? Why couldn't she convince her otherwise? Doesn't she care? How can she be joking around at a time like this?

I don't want to do it. But I'm going to do it because you're my best friend and I know how much this means to you.

[End of log]


	7. Log 7

[Log 7]

I hate public speaking. I'm sure you already know that, but I felt like I should reiterate it here. I really, really hate it. I felt like I was going to throw up when I stood up there with everybody staring, but I was glad that I made it through and that I didn't have to go first.

Your mom kept it together remarkably well all things considered, but the whole time I knew what was underneath. I never told you this, but your mom called me to talk about you. She asked me to do whatever I could to convince you not to not go, to succeed where she'd failed. She said that if there was anyone who'd you listen to, it would be me.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was starting to lose hope. That I was in fact hoping that the combined efforts of her and your sister would be enough to get you to stay.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

I'm just me. And besides kidnapping you, my options are running out. I can't say that I'm not tempted though. But you would never forgive me for that. Though your mom certainly would, along with several other people.

[End of log]


	8. Log 8

[Log 8]

This log thing is starting to become a habit. I have a bunch of projects I'm supposed to be working on for my job, but it's hard to find the motivation when things are crumbling down around you. It's all so mundane, the ins and outs of everyday life. The world just moves on like nothing has changed while your own life is in tatters.

It doesn't feel right. There should at least be a rain storm going on outside with thick dark clouds like in the vids. But instead it's sunny and warm while people mill around outside and enjoy the day.

I decided to take the next few days off and work from home. I don't know what I'm actually going to be doing with my free time. Trying to catch up on work isn't cutting it and I feel too numb to do much of anything. So, I guess that's why I opted to record one of these instead. I'd usually talk to you about something like this, but for obvious reasons that's not going to work.

But I guess though I kinda am, right? You'll hear all about this one day when I have no way to hear your response. I wonder what you'll think then about all of this. Will hearing my thoughts change anything? Will you hate me for what I said?

I should probably be spending these last days with you instead of sitting here at my desk avoiding things. When you told me that you were giving away what you couldn't take with you, I may have freaked out a bit. I know it makes sense do something like that, but I'm afraid of what it means.

This is all ending too soon. I should be there helping you go through all of your stuff like I've done every other time you've had to move.

Of course, comparing those other times to this don't quite do this justice. But I should be there for you. Me just sitting here won't do any good for either of us.

[End of log]


	9. Log 9

[Log 9]

I ended up going over. When I showed up unannounced while you were going through your clothes, I joked that me helping out was a tradition by this point and that I had gained a sixth sense for this sort of thing.

I had fun. Which doesn't make a lot of sense to say considering both of us started crying more than once. But it was fun to reminisce about old things, and to find a box of old writing from when we'd been really into using old paper and pencils. Hopefully we've improved since then.

We probably shouldn't have stopped in the middle of everything when we found some old video games and wanted to see what the last thing you had been doing on your old save files. And we _definitely_ shouldn't have started a new game that we both knew that we couldn't actually finish. But we definitely did try. It was fun to spend the night at your place, eating junk food and staying up all night trying to do a speed run.

Your old consoles and games now have a safe place at my apartment, so don't you worry. I'll make sure to pass them down to the next generation. I don't know if I can bring myself to delete any old files though. I could barely bring myself to take home anything you gave me, but you insisted so much that I couldn't say no.

With any luck, we can get together again soon, but I know you also have a lot of family stuff going on right now.

[End of log]


	10. Log 10

[Log 10]

These past days have given me a lot of time to think about things. And I know that I probably don't have much time left.

So, I have a plan. I'm going to drag you out and take you to do all of those things we always talked about doing and never had the time for. I'm not working right now, and I have quite a bit of credits in my savings. We're finally going to do some of that traveling we never got around to, see those museums you always wanted to visit. If there's anyone you want to invite to come along, they are more than welcome, because I want this to be something special for you.

It's going to be a bit of a whirlwind thing, but I hope you're able to have fun. I'm preparing myself for a lecture the moment we step inside a science museum. As long as you let me go on long tangents about art, it's fine with me.

[End of log]


	11. Log 11

[Log 11]

I admit it. Half the reason I thought up this trip was that I hoped that at some point you'd change your mind. That having all of this fun together would remind you of all of things that were important to you and that you wouldn't want to leave anymore.

You kept talking about how you'd miss all of this and I had to bite my tongue to not get into a big debate every time you made a comment like that.

It was harder than I thought. It was harder than cleaning out your apartment was for whatever reason. The whole thing just had an air of finality that made me uneasy. This was my last-ditch effort and I think it failed.

I don't want this to be the end; It can't be the end. Yet here we are and I just can't come to terms with it. I don't think I want to. But I don't think I have much of a choice.

I feel like I failed you.

If anything, I'm glad I took the time off to spend it with you. We finally got to fulfil a few dreams of ours, even if it wasn't under the best circumstances. I don't think I could have gone to work like this anyway. It would be awkward to keep breaking down into tears around my co-workers.

The next time I see you is probably going to be two days from now. The day you plan to leave.

God, please help me get through this…

I just want to wake up and find out that this was just all a dream.

[End of log]


	12. Log 12

[Log 12]

I'm still here. When I woke up this morning, nothing had changed. Except that now, I have officially run out of time. Tomorrow you'll be put into cryo.

I feel sick. I feel like I'm going to throw up and I have no hopes of getting any sleep tonight. The trip kept me distracted for a while, but now I'm stuck alone with my thoughts.

I keep thinking about what I'm going to say tomorrow, being the last chance we'll ever have to talk. I held onto hope for so long that things would never get to this point, yet here we are. I feel like a bit of a mess right now, a helpless mess.

I've had to think about a lot of things these past weeks that I never wanted face, your death being the obvious one.

I've thought a lot about what our friendship means to me, and what it means now that you're going to be gone. And that reminded me that once again that for you, I'm the one who will be long dead.

I know that you would have wanted me to keep pursuing my art and my career, to keep writing despite how discouraged I could get. To keep looking for the right person and not just resign myself to being single forever. To not give up on all of my dreams just because you can't be there to fulfill them with me. And I want the same things for you.

I guess what I'm saying is that what I really want is for you to be happy. I just wish it didn't have to go this way. I wish I could have convinced you, stopped you and that things would have never gotten to this point. And as I finish up this final log before I see you off tomorrow, I'm trying to think up a proper goodbye for you, but I just don't have the words to fully say how I feel.

Does anyone ever have all of the perfect words to say goodbye?

What am I supposed to say knowing that this is the last time you're going to hear my voice unless you go back and replay these files? That this really is the end of the line? That after tomorrow we will never get to speak again? That we'll never be able to make new memories together, to do all of the things we planned, and after tomorrow it will be as if you'd died?

I don't want to leave you with a recording of me crying into a microphone for several minutes as I try to pull myself together. I don't want that the be the last thing you'll have to remember me by.

I'm not really sure how I'm going to react tomorrow when we have to give our final goodbyes. I'll either be numb to the whole thing and give you a hug before we go our ways, or I'll be a total wreck, begging you not to go.

If I end up breaking down into tears in front of you again and say all of those things, there will still be a huge part of me that hopes you'll change your mind at the last second. But I also don't want the last thing you feel is guilt. A still very angry part of me feels like you do deserve to feel guilty over all of this. That's where I feel so conflicted about it. It's so hard for me to wish you good luck when I feel like saying anything but.

That sounds pretty awful, I realize. And I'm sorry that I'm not- That I'm not-

I wish by now I'd been able to pull myself together for your sake. But I don't think that's how grief works. You can't expect to suddenly feel alright after something like this on command. But I also can't leave things dishonest with you, covering up how I feel at the very end. I think you'd be able to tell how fake I was being, and I don't want that type of goodbye.

I don't know how long it's going to take me to process all of this and for all of the anger and guilt to fade away.

But here's what I do know. You are my best friend and nothing with ever change that. Not time nor space, or the fact that we won't ever be seeing each other again. You're the person who I can tell exactly what I think, and I won't treat you like some stranger who I'm going to push away just because you're leaving me. This doesn't change any of what we've been through, or the kind of people we've become over the years. I understand why you want to do this. I just don't agree, and I think we both know that there have been many, many times where we've just had to agree to disagree on things, though never to this scale.

This is goodbye, but it's just for now. Not forever. Because one day we're going to see each other again, and you can tell me all about the exciting stories of your life, and I can tell you about mine. And then we'll finally get around to working on those projects we've been talking about for years, and this next time life and obligations won't get in the way. You'll have to tell me all about the exciting discoveries you'll make out there, and maybe I'll have finally made it big.

I'll be waiting. But take your time alright? You deserve to live a long full happy life. Don't let anyone else or yourself convince you otherwise. Have those adventures you've always wanted, see new things. Let yourself make new friends. Open your heart to other people and don't force yourself to live life alone. I know the wonderful person you are, and other people should be lucky enough to see that for themselves like I have been.

And don't mourn me too much alright? Which feels odd to say when from my perspective recording this still have a long full life left to live. But let yourself be happy. Because as long as I've known you what I've always wanted for you was to be happy.

So, you've made this choice and if you're listening to these logs, that means that there's no turning back now. You're stuck out there with no way back and no option to change your mind.

You made a choice, and whether it was the right or wrong one, you're there now. So, what I have to say to you is this: go live life to the fullest. Cliché, I know. But I think going out and really _living_ life has a lot of wisdom to it. Don't dwell too much on the things that could have been that can't be changed. If you're always looking to the past, you can never really move forward. But don't do anything too rash, alright? Like I said, not _too_ soon. Find joy and happiness wherever you are, whatever the situation you may be in.

And a paraphrased verse from Joshua 1:9 to leave you with: Be strong. Be brave. Be fearless. You are never alone.

Through the good and the bad, I'm glad I went through it with you. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Until next time Veronica.

This is Rikka, signing off.

[Log ends]


End file.
